I have found it!

To quote the title of a Bollywood movie from college days, "I have found it!" I have been struggling for two weeks--feeling the hope of fresh air just to plunge back down into the deep of confusion again. But I do believe that tonight I have finally found dry ground. I know where it is at least--I just have to swim there now.

I have been applying for jobs, not really wanting to get them and feeling guilty about that--but deep down I felt that God has a different purpose for me right now. I have been so worried about making sure I spend this time doing just what God wants me to do. And tonight I finally realized it (after weeks of thought and prayer) with the help of a humble heart and phenomenal husband. It had been in my mind all along but finally what was in my mind and in my heart was the same thing--and was confirmed by an overwhelming feeling of the spirit. I thank my Father in Heaven for this blessing.

Going crazy yet wondering what I have found? Well I realized that all of my life all I have ever wanted to do is help people. That is the reason I served a mission--to help other people. I cannot live my life without having this as my main daily purpose. I simply cannot. It's practically against my being--my whole nature. Now I am NO saint, I just can't be happy any other way or feel like I'm doing what my Father wants me to. And I want Him to be happy with me. So, in all honesty, it's selfish. I do like to see others happy though, that's for sure--when I remember to stop thinking about myself.

Anywho! So, I know that I am to use my musical talents to help and serve people. So that's what I'm gonna do--I don't know how or where. But I am going to devote time every day to singing and playing the piano (and possibly arranging music?), etc. And I have faith that if I prepare myself, the Lord will supply the opportunity. So, yay! Here I am, once again thankfully filled with purpose, hope and faith. Ryan is more than I could ever ask for. He makes me so happy and our life together is wonderful.

So, sorry about the personal spew of information here if it's not what you were expecting. I know there are a few that will appreciate it though. I just cannot describe how grateful I am for the lessons we all learn through the scriptures, prayer, the prophets and church. I know that prayers are answered. I know that when they are not answered right away it is for a darn good reason. But they WILL be answered--and most importantly at the RIGHT TIME. I am just in awe of the Lord and His amazing wisdom and especially the knowledge that He loves me personally--enough to give me personalized individual attention just the way that I need it. We could never ask for anything better. He takes care of us--and we will know it when we show Him how much we love Him by trusting Him.

Sweet is the peace and joy that the gospel brings.